(no subject)

Jul. 26th, 2017 11:51 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
Nothing much new to report aside from my brain's asinine refusal to produce new words and re-reading old ones instead.

I did apply for the Graywolf internship, sent it off this morning.

This morning I went to Coco's to work, had horrible bowel movements, at the tail end of which Jose called to see if I was down to join a Lugia raid, and of course I was. Four raids in, I've got a Lugia and another Articuno.

Latter half of the day, after a two hour nap (WHY) I started outlining the analysis for the final novel, which I'm excited about. I'm gonna sleep with the CPAP tonight and see if I can concentrate better tomorrow. The deadline looms. I'm vaguely terrified.

The walk up and down Blaine Street feels shorter, although I'm sure it is still taking me the same amount of time (I walked out around 8.30 and got back around 10; 1 and a half hours seems pretty normal for me on that stretch). This makes me wonder if I should try to up my game a little and do a little jog instead of brisk walking. It is kind of harder to play Pokemon Go while jogging though.

ETA: OH! My new phone arrived! I still can't get the SIM cards out of my Xiaomi because I don't have a pin strong enough (I don't really have any earring studs I'm willing to sacrifice) but it's here!

7.5 - 5.7

Jul. 24th, 2017 05:38 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
Well, I took a hydrocoxine last night, and it threw me for a loop in which I couldn't wake up early enough for my liking, and was really groggy. My body felt really heavy, and I'm still feeling the effects this afternoon. But! It was otherwise a decent day: my friend Jose texted me around 1pm about a Legendary raid, and there was a crowd of people when I got there! I feel I should have been a bit more sociable, but I was not trying to evade my dissertation today. And we defeated it! And I got the Articuno! Yay!

My doctor also had good news for me today: my blood sugar level, which had been at 7.5, way at the top of the Type 2 diabetes range, has scaled down to 5.7. My doctor is very impressed; he's never seen such a fast turnover before. If there ever was a moment for the Glow of Virtue, this was totally it. My bad cholesterol level is on the high end, but it's balanced out by the good cholesterol, so yay I guess. I'm hoping to knock the 5.7 down to 5 by the time I see him again in September. My insurance is until the 24th, so that's enough time for one more blood test.

I am considering buying weights, just a couple of dumbbells, for building arm strength. I'm going to sit on this for a while and see how I feel in a couple of weeks. I'm going to dig out some unused sheets and try using those as exercise mats, though. My brother uses a folded old blanket.

Not swimming today; the sky's too cloudy and I don't like swimming in a cold pool. I guess I SHOULD get used to that, though. It's so nice, so I lament not taking advantage of the cloudy sky to go for a morning hike. Maybe I can do that tomorrow!

(no subject)

Jul. 24th, 2017 12:12 am
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
I had such dreams today! That I would go to campus early in the morning, spin Pokestops and replenish my Pokeballs, and catch pokemon and take a long enough walk to hatch more eggs!

Except, I went to bed at like 3am, so this was not a thing that could happen. By the time I got to campus, it was 11am, and dissertating was derailed in favour of writing an application for an internship that I think will be fascinating as an opportunity. At some point a friend of mine came to campus to help me take down an Articuno. We found three other people to join us, but even then, we couldn't take it down. And my battery was dying, so I couldn't play the rest of the day. Fickle phone!

I left campus late, had a late lunch, and then slept for like three hours. Couldn't even bring myself to take my evening walk. It's a little past midnight now and I am going to restore proper sleeping habits and good sleep hygiene so I can function tomorrow.

I will swim tomorrow. I will also try to see the doctor, or at least make an appointment. And I will pay my rent and request a lease renewal.

Up and down

Jul. 24th, 2017 04:22 pm
aesmael: (pangolin-me)
[personal profile] aesmael
=== Ambiguity from 2017-07-13 ===


One of those days where I have a shift at the library starting from 17:00, so the whole day takes place in its shadow. Nonetheless I managed to achieve many of the goals I'd set for myself today. Mostly, preparation for that Pathfinder game I keep talking about.

First of all, how easily I can get maps or other handout type pictures from the adventure PDFs. Turns out to be quite easy - just about as simple as right click -> save image. Editing in layers to do some simple 'fog of war' effect seems rather straightforward in GNU Image Manipulation Program so it should be fairly quick to unveil and reupload as the players explore new areas of the dungeon or other space.

Have not solved: anything for creature tokens or player avatars, which may need an adjustment of map scale to make those legible and practical.

Meanwhile at work feeling lazy, too unfocused and distracted. Wondering whether I can maintain focus in my life overall - do work at work, do fun and personal project stuff at home. This is a constant refrain and little likely to come of it, but we keep trying. And keep on feeling like cutting down on social media will open space for "actually doing" things. But it is so useful for the little gaps with nothing else and anyway... a sigh.

Old habits, long gone

Jul. 23rd, 2017 08:27 pm
aesmael: (me-pangolin)
[personal profile] aesmael


=== A Lament From 2017-07-11 ===


Even though I'm glad not to be the weekend supervisor any more, and especially to be taking fewer shifts at the library in general (now, if only that would translate into "living my time off in a way I feel happier with") I'm still feeling frustrated at not breaking them of all their bad habits before my time was up. Mostly this bugs me because it's me who works Monday mornings and has to clean up after any errors - they're not major problems but it still causes me a bit of extra work every week and tweaks my sense of "this is not proper". Currently the weekend staff is 3 new people (as in hired since May), 1 casual on Saturdays, and 1 long-term person on Sundays. Normally there would be one of the weekday full-time librarians on Saturdays but she is currently filling in as the head of circulation for another 3 months. So, a lot of opportunity for this stuff to get embedded and harder to shake.

On the bright side, yesterday and today involved meeting and training two of the newest casual hires. Working on being available and informative and keeping an eye on what they are doing, while also showing trust and confidence and not being overbearing, and being clear about the distinction between library policy and my preferred implementation of same. Little bit kicking myself for forgetting to update one today that library patron PINs don't actually have to be numbers. Maybe remember next time we work together.

Anyway: trying to be helpful and supportive, not hurtful, useless or assuming incompetence. We'll probably be working together semi-frequently, so I hope I like them and get along with them.

Feeling conflicted about stuff like: part of my role being stuff like telling kids to stop running around the library. Kids need space to be kids, rather than teaching them to suppress themselves. And spaces that are child-unfriendly also end up being de facto woman-unfriendly so long as the childrearing and childcare burdens fall disprorportionately on women. Plus the folk who complain about children in the library tend to get on my nerves and inspire me to feel vindictive toward them. But, times when there are many boisterous kids in the library do tend to give me sensory overload and headaches, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who is negatively by this - it surely makes using the library for intended purposes like work, reading and study more difficult. So I feel conflicted.

Luckily I'm not very good at it, and they tend not to stop running or playing Counterstrike quietly for very long?

Home stuff! Today a pair of socks I ordered arrived, long socks in asexual pride colours (black/grey/white/purple). Was pretty excited, and if they wear well I want to order some more in other patterns, especially since many of my socks are getting holes in their toes. After opening the package, showed them to my mother (didn't say the colours represented anything, just that I got new socks). All she had to say was to tell me not to wear them to work and that they're unprofessional.

That's really upsetting. It would be great if she were ever happy or complimentary for me about anything. The only thing I can remember her being congratulatory about was when I got hired from casual to permanent part-time, and that was an act of self-defence because whoever got my current job would be taking the hours I normally worked as a casual, and leaving me with sharply reduced income.

She doesn't show that she's happy for me, pretty much ever. Any time I try and talk to her it turns into her issuing orders and telling me to change, to be or do less, or what not to do - find doctors closer to home, find work closer to home, don't go places, don't buy your own groceries, and so on and on.

Can't she ever be happy for me? I'm aching for someone to share my excitements with, and sharing a home with someone who redirects every communication into a not good enough or an act of racism is poisonous[1].

[1] Latest example: on the weekend I told her I was watching the Games Done Quick stream, which is a charitable event raising money for Médecins Sans Frontières, and her response was to grumble about how awful it is those countries don't look after their own people. Gotta find a way to be negative everywhere, hey?

(no subject)

Jul. 23rd, 2017 12:54 am
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
There are no Xiaomi service centers in the US. Sigh. I got instructions for backing up and factory resets, which I'm not sure is the solution because that sounds like a software issue? Anyway I backed up the phone but I don't actually know what that means.

By some miracle, though, the phone charged overnight.

I was up until very late last night though, so the morning was a bust. I slept much of the afternoon, but when I woke up, I got started at a very good clip, and I think this section is almost finished. I'm working out some more argumentation re: minor literatures, but after this I think I'm ready for the next section. I'm also inserting images into my first chapter, which will hopefully add some pagecount.

Fingers crossed!

Also there is a Pokemon Go event right now and I am STOKED and dropped ten bucks for incubators MASS HATCH YAAAAYYYY

(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2017 12:12 am
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
I am at 8k words in this chapter. Unfortunately that is only 28 pages (including 2 more pages for images). I started at 11, stopped around 2, tried to work some more but left at 3.30. I have to figure out how to get a solid day's work done on campus when I need to eat =/ I could eat out all the time, I guess? But I don't really want to?

My Xiaomi is legit dying on me. I left it home, off, and I swear the battery ran down a little while I was gone. I wonder if it has to do with cycling cords around. I got a bit desperate, so even though I have a mini-USB port replacement on the way, I panicked, looked up some phones, and it turns out that Best Buy carries Samsung Galaxy J7s, DUAL-SIM with all the GSM bands I need. (My phone needs tend to be very simple: dual-SIM, all the GSM bands, FM radio.) The screen resolution isn't as good as the Xiaomi's (there are a lot of things the Xiaomi, by all accounts a cheaper inferior phone, has that the Galaxy does not) but honestly I don't care right now. Might still have to go to Batteries and Bulbs to switch over the SIM cards because I can't for the life of me figure out how to do it myself (UGH smartphone aesthetics are SO aggravating) but maybe this will be for the best? The phone itself was surprisingly cheap so I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I swam at least 15 laps today. Could have been 16, because I lost count somewhere. My brain is so scattered at the moment it felt like if I didn't keep repeating the lap number to myself as I swam, I'd forget it as soon as I hit the other side. I don't like that feeling.

(no subject)

Jul. 21st, 2017 12:58 am
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[personal profile] jhameia
Got out late, got to the office at 11-ish, and Emily wasn't free to write, so I had to plod along myself, which was hard. But after lunch, I got started on a really good clip. Inserted some pictures into my current chapter, and wrote more words. I'm a little over halfway of my second section, which makes me happy, and I'm thinking I might add in one more example? Right now I have six texts: three visual, three literary, and I'd like to add in an example that combines both. I'll keep plugging along and see where I'm at by the end of the weekend.

I REALLY wanted to go to the Nerds of Color meetup in San Diego tomorrow, but I don't think I can make it =( I'd need a place to stay, and it only just occurred to me that I could take a Greyhound down, but the times just don't work. SIGH!

Anyway it is 1am and I need to go to bed, blurgh.

(no subject)

Jul. 19th, 2017 11:42 pm
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[personal profile] jhameia
My phone died overnight, having refused to charge without being babysat, so I decided, once it was charging merrily without my overnight but taking too long for my liking, that I would go to campus and do work without the phone. This turned out to be a very good thing indeed, because I wasn't tempted to watch it all the time. I've also logged out of most social media on my work computer, so that was nice too. Emily Jiang checked in with me around 11.30 for some writing, and that was nice too.

I still can't focus on the screen, it seems, so I switched to handwriting some paragraphs instead. This helped quite a bit. Except for some sentences here and there, I'm starting work on a new section, articulating the concept of minor literature in relation to multicultural steampunk.

I ate at the Getaway, taking laptop and writing book and pencil and eraser with me. Had a couple of slices of a pizza, packed the rest, got back to my office, and coughed up a couple more paragraphs. Then I went home.

Swam 16 laps today. Was gonna stick to 15, but thought I could push on just once more. I'm feeling, as [personal profile] oracne calls it, the Glow of Virtue, which I promptly ruined by eating a sponge cake. I finished my remaining sausages, too. I haven't heard back about the results of my blood test from yesterday, but I assume I'll hear back by the end of the week, and if there's anything big, the doctor will call me (which is what he did last time). But I'm really crossing my fingers that my blood sugar levels have dropped.

I have been very good and did not text anybody today.

I submitted a poem. It's been a while since I wrote a poem I felt good about, so that's nice. It might be a bit too sentimental, IDK, I like its tweeness, but maybe it's too schmoopy? Oh well.

I'm gonna try to make it to campus tomorrow for some more writing by hand, and I think I will leave the phone home again so I don't get anxious around it. Until my mini-USB port replacement comes, I'll use it as little as possible so I don't keep freaking out over recharging it and possibly aggravating the problem even more.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
So, because I have no brainspace, I completely forgot to take down the address of the ophthalmologist I was supposed to go see, Googled last night, and took a Lyft to the wrong place. I had to take another Lyft, this time to the right place. It was a weird procedure. Lots of flashing lights and hooey eyedrops. On the bright side, the doctor says that my eyes look all right, no problems with the veins whatsoever.

On the not so bright side, my eyes are still dilated and my pee looks weird (because they have to inject dye into your bloodstream so that inspection of the back of the eye is possible). I have a headache as a result.

The eye specialist I went to was near Brockton Arcade so I meandered over to the pet supply store to have a look-see. I sighed at the dog collars, because I miss Puppergeist, and I regret giving him up.

I got home, had a couple of pieces of chicken, then went to campus for another doctor's visit. And I have to say, while I think Dr. Tran is a wonderful doctor otherwise, the first to take my complaints on concentration seriously enough that he suggested ADD as a possible problem (the diabetes was the first thing he felt capable of looking at), he was a bit too enthused about my weight loss for my comfort. OK, yeah, 15 pounds since I started (late April), but I don't know if that's such a huge accomplishment when my concentration is still shot to hell, and I could use all that time spent exercising and worrying about my food on the diss. Then again, the exercising and dieting is a decent way to procrastinate, I guess.

Anyway, I had to make calls and whatnot for a psychiatrist appointment, and the first available time is the end of August. EW! I need to defend by then! So, I'm kind of pissed that it's taken this long for this to even come up.

Tonight I'll be handwriting some of my dissertation, I think, because I just can't stare at the screen so much anymore. I've got a whole paragraph. It feels nice.

I also finished the sugar-free cookies I got last weekend, whoops.

Poetry: "rebuke"

Jul. 18th, 2017 04:04 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
oh, my heart, you are not okay
you are not okay
lock yourself up again
that was safer
also less disruptive to
other daily operations

oh, stop making promises
that are not yours to make
i know that is what hope is:
crowns out of starlight
and petals dried in summer heat
blown away in the morning wind

you are too hungry to be exposed
one temptation and you are lost
if i do not cage you sooner
you will devour everything
and i do not care
to ingest more poison

(no subject)

Jul. 17th, 2017 10:25 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
In other news, I can't concentrate worth spit, I swam 15 laps today.

The Zagster station near my house (a parking lot by a sportsfield) had NO bikes today, so I walked to campus to scan a thing, then nabbed a bike near the closest residence to go to the bank and FedEx shop. This took a lot out of me, it seems.

=/ I don't know what to do with myself. I open all my files and stare at the words, and re-read everything I write, but somehow this is harder than it ought to be. It's very frustrating.

Vehicular Ponderings

Jul. 17th, 2017 10:05 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
Because my brain will not concentrate today it veered into possible getting wheels of my own that is not a bicycle. I've been using the Zagster bikeshare here, but my knees apparently hate me and ache when I've been cycling anything over gear 5 and uphill or even just level ground. I don't know if it's possible for knees to build strength? Do they? Maybe I just need to keep at it and they will stop complaining like little mofos eventually?

But of course bicycles can only take you so far, and I have anxieties surrounding driving, so I looked into motorcycling classes, and turns out that there is a course serving Riverside where people learn how to ride and it's accredited so getting a California motorcycling license is possible, too. Even when I was a teenager I wanted to ride a motorbike over driving a car (even as I dutifully went for driving lessons, which were mostly fine, until a panic attack during my driving exam, and then a little after almost running over my own dog, and then a growing fear of accidentally dying in a box).

I however can barely fathom spending hundreds of dollars the way any vehicle would demand of a person, especially on a irregular basis for maintenance and gas.

I asked my sewing teacher about her bike riding experience (she rode a motorbike for like 30 years, and was part of an older-lady biker gang) but she hasn't ridden in some ten years. She still had some recommendations for me. I looked up used motorbikes on Craigslist and most Honda Rebels seem to be from ten years ago, ranging in the $1500 - $3000 range. I think I might be able to handle that? But then, one doesn't appear to take up motorbiking here in the States to save money.

Still, the thought of having motorized wheels that could get me from city to city, something I could do road trips with, is very tempting. If I snag a job for the fall, I'll definitely look into getting lessons, and see from there. There's an accredited training course, which looks cool (and there's a mix of men and women among the instructors) and affordable. It all seems very convoluted to my public-transit-loving brain, but maybe I can do it?

(no subject)

Jul. 15th, 2017 01:08 am
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[personal profile] jhameia
Yesterday after a long day of doing nothing and feeling terrible about it, I went to check out the University Village free concerts. I'd wanted to sit upstairs on the balcony overlooking the concert, but a security guard told me I couldn't, new management, so sorry, bla bla bla.

I did a lot of paperwork today. I scanned and printed (using the Sproul Hall printers for the first time ever) and sent my OPT application forms off to the international student center so they can nod and approve of it and tell me that yes, I can send it off to immigration.

Lindsay came to get me and we went for lunch at Best Thai. Been a while since I ate there. We then went to look for dessert- she wanted boba tea, and I wanted something sugar-free. Turns out that the store her students had recommended her and the store we Googled for sugar-free desserts were in the same plaza, conveniently.

The dessert place is called The Thinnery, and it bills itself as a sugar-free bakery, specifically for diabetics, and folks with heart conditions, weight watchers and just plain ol' folks watching their sugar, I guess. There was only one man working there--the only one left of his family doing the business (out of 31 years!) and he'd been cleaned out earlier, so I had to wait a bit to get the chocolate mousse brownie I wanted. It was very good. There were also sugar-free cookies, and I got those too (which also turned out to be very good). And a heat-damaged box of chocolates for half-price so I ganked that too.

Lindsay and I decided to go to Ontario Mills for some shopping. I'd been thinking about how most of my clothes fit but not well. I'd been staying away from close-sitting clothing for years because I have weird body issues (also because grad school left me with no energy to care about my appearance beyond professional), but these days I kind of crave short shorts, close fitting, with pockets, things I can wear to go for my long walks with.

We went to Uniqlo first, and I ended up with two pairs of gym shorts, a pair of dressier shorts that almost matched the one I wore into the store except one size down, a long skirt with POCKETS, and a bra. Not shabby. We also stopped by a store with the CUTEST makeup brushes and I just... couldn't... not buy a set. I don't even use makeup that often, but I really want to? I shall make an attempt. Of course I say that every couple of years...

We spent a LONG time in that mall.

I wanted to go swimming, but there were just too many people in the poo, and my period is still going, so I'm going to try tomorrow. But I also decided to try organizing my makeup basket. I think I have been successful but it also means I have to organize, like, everything else around it. I'm now sneezing because I've been touching things that have not been handled in a long time. I had to throw out a bunch of things, like a foundation that was the only really waterproof stuff I'd found, super useful when I did a lot of water shoots around Halifax. But now it just looks weird and ashy on me, so it needed to go. I should test a bunch of the eyeshadow too, though, but my face feels raw from all that testing the foundation and washing it off and raw so I don't feel like it.

Lindsay also remarked on how visible the weight I've lost is. I hadn't really been paying attention to it, since I'm more focused on learning to just eat less and get more movement in. Ideally I'd also be working towards a more toned body but my metabolism and lifestyle and general genetics do not incline my body that way, so oh well. But it got me wondering about how much I've lost since I started the diet and exercise thing in May. So I started pulling out things to wear that I haven't in a long time because the last time I tried, they were really uncomfortable to wear, or I couldn't button it up, or something.

Turns out it's enough that I can fit a BUNCH of old things I thought I'd have to give away. A Lip Service goth jacket I haven't worn in five years can now be buttoned up. It's still suuuuuper snug, especially on the upper arms (because goths always have thin arms I guess) but I can squish most of myself in now. I'm really impressed. My favourite gray skirt which had been too tight for a couple of years now sits comfortably around my waist again, which is really nice. Who knows what else I'll achieve. Hopefully not the need to buy a new wardrobe, though. There are still things I'd like to give away; I'll have things to bring to next WisCon's clothing swap.